Football
Defeat
Thursday, July 29, 2010
It was a rainy day in October of 2008, and we were playing the best team in the league. It was late in the fourth quarter and we were leading them 14-6 with only 2 minutes left in the game. We hard prepared extremely hard for this game, with practices lasting late. They had the ball at their 40 yard line and were driving. We had them stopped on a 4th and 10. I could see the defeat on their faces. We knew that all we needed was one stop and the game was over. We played the last last play with all the energy we had left, but little did we know, things were going to change. Then the game started to change in their favor. The refs called a 15 yard personal foul penalties on us. This gave them the first down and gave them new confidence. After that its like all the energy we had left, went down the drain. Then the refs called 3 more personal fouls, which resulted in them having the ball within the 1 yard line. The ran the ball in for an easy score, and now the game was tied. After they scored it felt like all the hard work we had put in that previous week had gone down the drain.Since there was no overtime in high school football back then, the game resulted in a tie. I felt like everything we worked for was taken away by the refs.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I wonder why the end lacks detail? I have no idea how it looked, felt or sounded when the other team scored - but I get lots of information on the team's actions just before.
ReplyDeleteI also wonder if you'll talk more about the practicing and preparation for this game that was 'taken away by the refs.' Is that important to understand your point? If 'defeat' is your central idea, you'll have to shift to tell much more about that - at least as much as you tell about almost winning.
I like the photograph - will you build it into your work, or just have it accompany the piece?
Mr. Tre,
ReplyDeleteI do have to ditto Ms. Rae in terms of needing to hear detail!! I need to feel defeated after I read this piece, I need to feel frustrated with the referees and completely exhausted.
Some good turn of phrases that you've made (probably subconsciously... which means you're becoming a better writer!) are 'rainy day', 'with all the energy we had left' and 'gone down the drain'. That negative imagery really paints a picture of struggle and pressure. And after all that struggle is described in your story, the strongest conclusion would be to never resolve those negative feelings, leave the reader feeling tired and feeling like all that work was done for nothing.
So: think about all those adjectives you'd use to describe how defeat looked/felt/sounded and make sure that the ending is just as unhappy as you remember it!